The Larger Space he Filled

Author's Note: We were doing Personal Narratives for our topics. I decided to do mine on a rather emotional topic to me of when my dog, Smokey was put down. Please, if you can make constructive comments? Thanks!

I laid by your bed watching you stomach bobbing up and down almost as if you were drowning in your own stomach. Your body was growing, expanding, and the color was leaving your eyes. I could tell something was wrong.

"Don't worry boy, everything will be okay." I whispered "I’ll be here I promise. I won't let anything happen to you. I swear. As long as you're with me… you'll be safe." With those last word I put my hand gently on his stomach laying next to him. My dog. The only dog I had longer than a day. The dog I've had since Preschool. The one I wasn't there for. The one I complained about and to all the time. He never cried, he never yelped. The sweetest dog I could ever asked for was in pain, and I could tell. Turning looking into his eyes, I noticed they were fading. I remember the first day I got him… when those now dull eyes were bright and brown… almost like a chocolate bar; yeah, that’s it! A chocolate bar. He used to run everywhere, but now he could hardly walk a few feet.  He used to hop up on the couch begging for attention, but due to my mom that quickly ceased. He used to eat carrots… all the time. They were his favorite food, his favorite treat that he would engorge himself on. Now he wouldn’t even lick them. I didn't know what was wrong with him.

I laid at a slant beside him carefully studying his ribcage. It was still rising. I put my head down allowing his fur to absorb my tears. "I love you Smokey…" I stood up walking away as his head sprung up. I looked back to see the sweet dog I'd always loved. His ears laid down glued to his head, his eyes filled with sorrow.

"I promise boy," I paused to briefly take a deep breath, "It'll all be okay." I said walking back to smooth his ears putting him down to rest his head. I kissed him gently on his head, as I sighed and walked until reached my room. Slumped in my bed, I laid awake for hours knowing something really was wrong. Soon fell into a trance to be awoken my alarm. I prepared myself for the day I was to embrace.

For hours I sat waiting, anticipating… occasionally stopping by knowing I couldn't stay by him long. Eventually my mother took him to the vet.

"Don’t worry," she stated , "I'm sure he'll just need some medication."

I knew the truth though. I sat playing video games, just trying to get my mind of things. Time seemed to fly, until that moment. My brother came downstairs balling and hugged me.

"What's wrong?" I questioned him.  My father followed down the stairs. His face filled with sorrow. His skin seemed paler than usual, which was quite pale, though somehow managed to look me straight in the eyes. I could feel my brother's steamed breath condensation on my clothes and his tear dampening my shirt. I fought hard to keep my tears back. My dad took a breath.

"Its Smokey," he began "He has cancer. He has multiple tumors. One erupted in his stomach. He also has one on his tongue." His voice began growing more and more shaky but I didn’t care. I blocked everything out. The last words I heard were "We have to put Smokey down. He's suffering," My dad was now beginning to cry, "He'll be dead by tonight. The vet said he has less than 10% of a chance of making it till morning. We brought him home so you can’t say goodbye to him before we put him down."  It was too late. Rivers streamed down my face. I felt my stomach drop as my world shifted around me. Reality finally kicked in. In a way, I was expecting that, but I fought so hard to believe it not to be true. This was a lot more than a daily medication could fix. My mind flooded with everything. The day I kicked him while I was on the swing seemed to appear in my mind most frequent. I was the reason he had hip problems and didn't get the proper exercise he needed. How I always fed him lunch meat, carrots, and other foods.  All the memories, how he knew when I was upset, when I was happy, and the kiss up he was when I was upset with him. I couldn't believe how selfish I had been.

I rubbed my brothers back I got up, "You- you're lying," I stuttered, "he cant be." I sprinted upstairs and ran outside to the car, where he laid in the back seat. I sat talking about 20 minutes.

"Hey boy," I paused, trying to gather my boggled mind, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry… I broke my promise boy." I huffed under my breath sniffling and trying to hold back my tears.  I could tell he was in pain. He knew our emotion, so he was tormented emotionally, physically, and mentally. I could tell he didn't know what was going on. That little did he know this was one of the last times We'd ever see each other. Tears flooded my eyes. I laid there just hugging him, embracing him. I told him over and over how much I loved him, how sorry I was, but I knew it would never be enough.  I felt like I had been slammed with a semi truck on a highway. I couldn't and still imagine how he felt. Blood gushing inside him, pressuring his inside organs. He never did anything, but I guess only the good die young. I filmed him, took pictures of him, cried alongside him, fed him. I  did anything I could to make his last bit of life worthwhile.

I walked inside for a brief moment to be embraced by my father.

"It'll be okay," he whispered, "We-"

"How long?" I questioned him.

"What do you-"

"When are you taking him?" I stared sternly

"About ten minutes." he replied solemnly.

"I'll be with him until then."

I turned out the door to accompany my dog. Minutes felt like hours as I watched him pant, studying my eyes carefully. He knew something was wrong, but I know he didn't know what. My parents came out and drove him away. That’s the last time I saw my dog. That important part of my family, a major part of my childhood. I don't know why he had cancer,  but he did. Apparently he had it for a year. I knew something was always wrong, but my mom never listened. I could picture him, in that room looking my mom and dad wondering why he was strapped down, who the man beside him was… what the pain was he felt, how starving he must've been. The pain he endure up to the point they stuck that needle in to end his misery. How can you even explain how that would feel?

That night I tortured myself with music. I listened to songs such as "More Than This" "Moments" and a lot of others, but mainly the two. I guess that's just how I get through things. Lyrics have their own voice. Crying tires you out so quickly, I practically passed out. I finally knew how it felt to cry myself to sleep. I guess it turned out okay, but I still miss him, I think of him every day. So I guess there no closure or absolution. There's only the missing gap, but the even larger space he filled.